I've been having Baby Fever for a while now. I have a four year old son who's the light of my life and I never wanted him to be the only child. I believe having siblings build character and are the closest people to have in your life so, naturally I've been wanting to have a brother or sister for him. I've been wanting this since he turned two years old. My husband and I have tried with tons of "false alarms" throughout the two years with no avail. Lately in my life, alot of people have been getting pregnant leaving me to wonder why we're not. Is God trying to tell me something? Is there something in my future that's going to happen that makes me better off having only one child? Is Bobby really supposed to be the only child? Am I asking for too much when he's so perfect? Maybe I should be glad with only one child? Maybe, but I really want him to have a "partner in crime" a "Built-in best friend" you know? Someone in the family. My husband's the oldest of six and I'm the oldest of three and I can say I know it made a big difference in our lives to have siblings, even when we "hated" eachother, LOL. It teaches unconditional love and all the other good stuff. Granted Bobby can have close friends, but that doesn't come close to a sibling.
As of last year, two friends had kids (one less tha a year apart from her second child), and a cousin. Now, this year, my two of my sister-in- laws are pregnant, and my brother-in-law's wife just found out she is too (a moth after they got married). I'm really happy for all of them but I feel like "what's wrong with me? I'm a great mom..." On top of that, my mom calls me yesterday to let me know that my cousin from Ohio just found out she' s pregant...and with twins. Though she didn't ask me what my hold-up is, I know she was wondering if we were still trying to get pregnant and why we weren't. It gets a bit annoying when others ask. At first I used to joke and ask them to (the ones who were pregnant) "Pass me the Mojo" but now my answer's become a standard, "When God is ready."Anywho, despite the happiness I feel when I hear someone new is pregnant I feel like crying. Yesterday, I felt like it when my mom shared the news of my cousin's pregnancy...and twins no less! My friends keep telling me that the more I stress, the more it won't happen and I know that but can you blame me when I've been trying for two years and nothing? When people around me are getting pregnant all the time? When I see cute pics of everyone's babies? When I go to the mall and see these cute little clothes? When I watched the video of Bobby when he first rolled over and of his cute chubby legs? I LOVED being pregnant. LOVED it! I would be pregnant again in a heartbeat but nooooo...:( Maybe God does know something I don't know. Maybe God doesn't give you what you can't handle?
Maybe we won't be able to financially support our family. Maybe he knows we're gonna go threw a life change like a big move or something. Maybe my relationship with my hubbie has to get back on track as far as the balance between family time and work. Or maybe we're not trying hard enough. I did get my normal Woman's exam. Everything seemed fine to her but, she did suggest I go in with my hubby to make sure he was fine too and to see if we needed an intervention if we were really serious about getting pregnant again (invitro and the like). Well, we haven't gone yet. Partially because he "forgets" to make an appointment or because we partially believe that God, not science, should be the driving force for us to have a child. I don't know. All I know is that I feel the pain some of the women on the blog world feel right now as far as not getting pregnant, for one reason or another. Anywho, I'm gonna leave you with a journal entry I wrote a little over 1.5 years ago:
Today I found out my friend from high school is pregnant...again. She just had a baby about 3-4 months ago after trying so long for her second child and now she's pregnant again with her third. I'm happy for her but at the same time a little sad for me. See, I've always loved kids. I've always wanted to be around them because they're so lively, curious, and fascinated by the things around them. I've always known I've wanted kids of my own. After teaching, I knew I wanted one of my own for sure...a boy would be a bonus...and then after 6 months of trying, came you. Exactly everything I've always enjoyed. You're astonished at the smallest things...like bugs which makes me smile inside because I was fascinated by ants for the longest. You love to wrestle and play and as rough as you can get, you keep me young at heart...not feeling like an "old" mom...more like your buddy. Well, as life goes on things change and you are growing to be such a big boy in such a short time. You're gonna be 2.5 years old next month. About, actually 2-3 weeks from now and you're so smart and cuddly and loveable. You're always saying Daddy and now Mommy ("Money") and want to go play outside and always look longily at children playing because you want to join them. I was so happy to see you run crazily at the airport terminal with the three older kids having fun this summer. Age didn't seem to be an issue for you, you just wanted to play. Well, you growing older and looking out into the world and not only at me for what you need and want makes me...sad. Sad becasue soon you won't need me as much. I miss you being the tiny baby of mine. Knowing that you need me, all those little clothes, the baby paraphenelia. Funny I miss it already. It went by so fast. I was so engrossed with all the tiny details but time just slipped on by anyways.
Well, back to my friend. I'm sad because I want you to have a baby brother or sister soon. I want to have another baby. Though I'm scared of what the world will do to you and any of my children, I believe God wants me to have you and another, because he believes you will all do good for humanity and believes that your Dad and I could do our job to get you to that point. I want to have another little one in the house. I just want you to have a friend for life--a brother or sister through good times and bad. I want to have a house filled with things going on. The more the merrier. I want you to have a sibling close to your age. Close to age because I want you to to understand eachother and be able to be on the same level and help eachother out as you grow up. Your Dad and I believe in the importance of siblings and I hope God puts His trust in us as parents again... 8-10-05
