I've got 'Baby Fever"

I've been having Baby Fever for a while now. I have a four year old son who's the light of my life and I never wanted him to be the only child. I believe having siblings build character and are the closest people to have in your life so, naturally I've been wanting to have a brother or sister for him. I've been wanting this since he turned two years old. My husband and I have tried with tons of "false alarms" throughout the two years with no avail. Lately in my life, alot of people have been getting pregnant leaving me to wonder why we're not. Is God trying to tell me something? Is there something in my future that's going to happen that makes me better off having only one child? Is Bobby really supposed to be the only child? Am I asking for too much when he's so perfect? Maybe I should be glad with only one child? Maybe, but I really want him to have a "partner in crime" a "Built-in best friend" you know? Someone in the family. My husband's the oldest of six and I'm the oldest of three and I can say I know it made a big difference in our lives to have siblings, even when we "hated" eachother, LOL. It teaches unconditional love and all the other good stuff. Granted Bobby can have close friends, but that doesn't come close to a sibling.

As of last year, two friends had kids (one less tha a year apart from her second child), and a cousin. Now, this year, my two of my sister-in- laws are pregnant, and my brother-in-law's wife just found out she is too (a moth after they got married). I'm really happy for all of them but I feel like "what's wrong with me? I'm a great mom..." On top of that, my mom calls me yesterday to let me know that my cousin from Ohio just found out she' s pregant...and with twins. Though she didn't ask me what my hold-up is, I know she was wondering if we were still trying to get pregnant and why we weren't. It gets a bit annoying when others ask. At first I used to joke and ask them to (the ones who were pregnant) "Pass me the Mojo" but now my answer's become a standard, "When God is ready."

Anywho, despite the happiness I feel when I hear someone new is pregnant I feel like crying. Yesterday, I felt like it when my mom shared the news of my cousin's pregnancy...and twins no less! My friends keep telling me that the more I stress, the more it won't happen and I know that but can you blame me when I've been trying for two years and nothing? When people around me are getting pregnant all the time? When I see cute pics of everyone's babies? When I go to the mall and see these cute little clothes? When I watched the video of Bobby when he first rolled over and of his cute chubby legs? I LOVED being pregnant. LOVED it! I would be pregnant again in a heartbeat but nooooo...:( Maybe God does know something I don't know. Maybe God doesn't give you what you can't handle?

Maybe we won't be able to financially support our family. Maybe he knows we're gonna go threw a life change like a big move or something. Maybe my relationship with my hubbie has to get back on track as far as the balance between family time and work. Or maybe we're not trying hard enough. I did get my normal Woman's exam. Everything seemed fine to her but, she did suggest I go in with my hubby to make sure he was fine too and to see if we needed an intervention if we were really serious about getting pregnant again (invitro and the like). Well, we haven't gone yet. Partially because he "forgets" to make an appointment or because we partially believe that God, not science, should be the driving force for us to have a child. I don't know. All I know is that I feel the pain some of the women on the blog world feel right now as far as not getting pregnant, for one reason or another. Anywho, I'm gonna leave you with a journal entry I wrote a little over 1.5 years ago:

Today I found out my friend from high school is pregnant...again. She just had a baby about 3-4 months ago after trying so long for her second child and now she's pregnant again with her third. I'm happy for her but at the same time a little sad for me. See, I've always loved kids. I've always wanted to be around them because they're so lively, curious, and fascinated by the things around them. I've always known I've wanted kids of my own. After teaching, I knew I wanted one of my own for sure...a boy would be a bonus...and then after 6 months of trying, came you. Exactly everything I've always enjoyed. You're astonished at the smallest things...like bugs which makes me smile inside because I was fascinated by ants for the longest. You love to wrestle and play and as rough as you can get, you keep me young at heart...not feeling like an "old" mom...more like your buddy. Well, as life goes on things change and you are growing to be such a big boy in such a short time. You're gonna be 2.5 years old next month. About, actually 2-3 weeks from now and you're so smart and cuddly and loveable. You're always saying Daddy and now Mommy ("Money") and want to go play outside and always look longily at children playing because you want to join them. I was so happy to see you run crazily at the airport terminal with the three older kids having fun this summer. Age didn't seem to be an issue for you, you just wanted to play. Well, you growing older and looking out into the world and not only at me for what you need and want makes me...sad. Sad becasue soon you won't need me as much. I miss you being the tiny baby of mine. Knowing that you need me, all those little clothes, the baby paraphenelia. Funny I miss it already. It went by so fast. I was so engrossed with all the tiny details but time just slipped on by anyways.

Well, back to my friend. I'm sad because I want you to have a baby brother or sister soon. I want to have another baby. Though I'm scared of what the world will do to you and any of my children, I believe God wants me to have you and another, because he believes you will all do good for humanity and believes that your Dad and I could do our job to get you to that point. I want to have another little one in the house. I just want you to have a friend for life--a brother or sister through good times and bad. I want to have a house filled with things going on. The more the merrier. I want you to have a sibling close to your age. Close to age because I want you to to understand eachother and be able to be on the same level and help eachother out as you grow up. Your Dad and I believe in the importance of siblings and I hope God puts His trust in us as parents again... 8-10-05

Yes..and this is why:)

Rob...Just wanted to say...

Loving this video

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Getting back on track with this blog thing...LOL

Left to right: My sisters Cynthia, Melissa, my Dad, my Mom, my Mother-in-law, and my son Bobby

Hello everybody!!! Hope everyone had a great Holiday...Whatever it is that you celebrate. I had Christmas Eve at my house for the first time and let me tell you....I started cooking at 5pm because I didn't want to start too soon and have the food be cold. Ok....doesn't sound too bad right? Well, my family was expected to be there by 8pm!!! Yes, and I rocked it!!! Let me say, I cooked everything all by myself and had it done by 8:30 pm (yes, my family ended up getting there around 10 pm because my sis Melissa was running late) but nonetheless, I had all this done in 3.5 hours:

My Pineapple-glazed Ham

Corn Pudding and Turkey Prosciutto with Cornbread stuffing

Main course and Side dishes:
Pineapple glazed Ham
Mac-n-cheese
Sweet potato mash
Corn pudding
Turkey breast and Prosciutto
Jasmine Rice
Cornbread Stuffing

Dessert:
Chocolate Cheesecake Flan

Favors:
Chinese take out boxes set at table settings with Pepperidge Farms cookies inside

I also set the coffee table with roasted peanuts, craisins, M&M's, goldfish, sliced Portuguese bread and baby clams with tabasco sauce for appetizer. I served sparkling cider when everyone came into the house...wine was brought by my sister since my hubby and I don't drink a lick of alcohol, my other sister brought her Strawberry Shortcake, and my mom brought our favorite cod fish dish that we all LOVE. We had a great night hanging out together talking and laughing!

I got a Hp Photosmart printer from my sister Melissa, a Starbucks mug, tea, and an AC Moore gift certificate from Cynthia. My parents got me a huge stamp set and an AC Moore gift certificate (which, yes, got me emotional because I realized that they really listened to me when I talked them to death about stamping and scrapbooking...this was big for me). My sister Melissa was like "Yeah, Paula, they actually do listen to you." Oh, and also got emotional when Melissa got me the printer because it was such a huge gift from her (she usually doesn't get us anything or does, but not on the actual occasion). My son got a bike from her! His first bike, helmet, elbow and knee pads! Crazy! Let's just say everyone got a huge gift and was shocked. My poor hubby didn't get my gift on Christmas because he didn't want me to buy anything at all for him. Said he'd be happy just to spend time with us (although he did spend Christmas Eve at work) but I did create a mini brag book and tin with family pics of us and I drew and painted him the POPEYE tattoo on canvas, that he got tattooed on his arm...

Popeye canvas I made for my Hubby

he loves it! Oh, and did I tell you that I gave Melissa a Target gift card and Cynthia a slow cooker and wine bottle opener (that she needed badly) and then I made both of them an altered clipboard (but I forgot to take the pic).

Anywho.... for New Year's we rang it in the car on the way to a family friends' house party. We got there at 12:05 am so I was busy scrambling to call my parents (who were there already) and my sisters HAPPY NEW YEAR at midnight!! New Year's Eve is a big deal to my family because we used to have the biggest bash on the east coast for family and friends every year for close to 15 years (although my parents have stopped about 3 years ago). People would wait for their invites 2 months in advance and they'd come from Florida and from Boston and anywhere in between to spend it at my parent's house. It's also important because my sisters and I believe that the way you spend it, predicts how the rest of your year will be. So, I was glad I spent it with my parents because they will be moving to Florida in 2 weeks so maybe it means this year, despite the distance, I'll be spending time with them. My sisters went to clubs either in the city (NYC) or stayed local.

Anywho, my new addition that I talked about on my last entry?

Meet Choco

I have a new puppy. His official name is Chocolate, but we coined him "Choco". He's a black pug/boston terrier mix which is a new breed of "designer dogs." He's bred to be one of the best lap dogs and apartments dogs to have and are great with children. They're called BUGS...LOL. Long story short, we got him on the 18th of December. He's my Christmas gift from my hubby. I think he's such a cutie but to be honest with you, I didn't know it'd be this much work....more work than I believe it was to care for my son as a newborn! The first couple of days I was regretting having him. Me getting up at 6 am to walk him? Every morning? And feeding every 2 hours? AHHH! I was so sure I was gonna give him up and sit my hubby down to tell him but, the day I was planning to, I picked up my son from school and the first thing he did was ask for Choco so...I decided to stick it out for him because I did ultimately want my son to grow up with a dog. He's getting better. I can predict when he needs to be taken out, for the most part, and he's really good with not barking when I put him in his cage. He still is chewing on stuff but it's because he's still teething. He's only 2 months now. We got him when he was 1.5 months! He was so expensive too but not as expensive as how much they are charging for them at those mall pet shops. We got him at a nice kennel pace for 1/2 of what they cost now at the mall shops, so I was happy at the time. I've had good days (when he eliminates outside in his box on our balcony...I stopped walking him around the condo because of bad lighting at night) and I've had bad when he's chewing everything and peeing and pooping everywhere! Thank God for enzyme cleaners! Anywho, so yeah, he's the new bundle in our family...and he's alot of work, but a new challenge I will plan to take on. Well, I wrote alot so I'll go for now. I'll be writing again Friday. I was supposed to have surgery this past Tuesday for my hernia but postponed it for now so, my hubby's home since he took the week off. I'll be spending time with him and Bobby until he goes back on Friday so I'll write you then! Until....

"Ba Humbug:("

Good morning/afternoon...LOL. I just woke up and I'm so tired! Went to bed Crazy-late. Anywho, don't have much of a plan for today. Procrastinating big time with decorating our place for Christmas. Had alot of plans written on my list as far as decorating because I'm having family over for Christmas Eve but 10 days before Christmas and all I have done are the lights on the tree. Lights which happened to blow on the front, lower half of the tree. Hating the fact that I might have to go out and buy new lights and have the hubby restring it all over again...I think I just might just turn the tree around and face the unlit lower half of the tree towards the wall...LOL no one would notice it right? Ok, low budget but whatever. I plan to decorate my house in the Nordic tradition (love Swedish design...hence my obsession with IKEA...oh, and fun fact about me, I worked there for 4 years. Knew the store front and back even before I worked there. Even knew the prices of everything and the exact location of everything because, for years, I had treated the catalogs as my Bible...ok, i'm a geek but that's ok. LOL) Anyway, I'm planning to decorate with red and white, with homemade ornaments and such but haven't felt the urge to paint more than 4 of the wooden angels I bought at Michael's. Yes, serious holiday slump here. I think alot of it has to do with my health lately...oh and did I tell you the hubby has to go to work on Christmas Eve!!! When I'm having family over for Christmas for the first time since I've been married!! Of all days! But...I digress...That's another issue all together.

Around late Februaury I discovered a lump above my belly button. Was worried but didn't take it too seriously until it became real noticeable to me by touch and got a tiny bit sore. I finally went to the doctors and found out it was a hernia. Apparently it developed right after I started lifting weights at the gym and taking Yoga (which I love and miss....was great for my back and I became flexible again). The doctor believed that during preganany, my stomach muscle stretched out (obviously) so after I had my son, I had a weak spot in the stomach muscle wall and I probably strained while lifting weights causing a small part of my intestine to poke through the weak spot. Annoying to say the least. I had to stop going to the gym all together. Just when I was starting to notice a difference and feel like my young self again. Not to mention it was my hubby and I's unofficial date night. He was my personal trainer and all. Yes, my hubby's fit and all....LOL sexy man. Anywho, I didn't get a second opinion til August where I was told it definatley was a hernia and that I should get it fixed although it wasn't dire. Long story short, if I plan to get pregnant any time soon, I should get it fixed before I do so. So, I decided to get it fixed. My surgery is set for January the 2nd. Yes, right after New years..ughhh:( It's the first surgery set for the morning. I'm a bit worried about the surgery since I haven't been "under" since the 7th grade when I had surgery for a broken hip...worried about making it through alright.

Then....I just had my "woman" check-up...you woman out there know what that means...and told her that my hubby and I are concerned about not getting pregnant after the 1 year of trying so she ordered some tests and wants my hubby to come in for tests too. Never thought that it'd be this much of an issue with me now. Granted, we tried to get pregnant before for 6 months and when we gave up trying, we found out we were pregnant with Bobby but not this time. It's been a year now and still nothing. I'm giving the pregancy test companies out there alot of my business with buying tests every time I feel a "tingle" or my body's acting a bit weird. I don't know if I find out something's really wrong with me, if I'd try to whole invitro thing. I really want Bobby to have at least 1 sibling but invitro is soooo expensive and my hubby's the only one working and stuff...It was so cute when, before I got pregnant wth my son, my sister Cynthia told me she'd be a surrogate for me if I couldn't bear children...soooo sweet of her because she was serious about it but I don't know if she'd ever do it now. Her situation is different...not that I would really ask or expect it at all. It's a little sad for me because I really do want more children and I see how much Bobby loves to interact with children and all. And I absolutley love children...missing my teaching days as a daycare teacher as I speak. Sad when everyone around me is getting pregnant and I'm not. Even people who weren't planning to have anymore children are getting pregnant. PASS THE MOJO, I've been telling them. Strange but I feel really happy for them but at the same time, upset because it's not me sharing the happy news. Anywho, what I'm ultimately saying is that with all my doctor's appointments lately, Christmas is sadly taking a back seat...ok, not a back seat so much but a passenger seat..LOL. Anywho, let me go. Need to start the day. Just received a package from 2Peas...so excited. Haven't opened it yet but I'm guessing it's my MM paper...I'm obsessed with tiny polka dotted paper lately and I'm lovin the Vintage Hip line witht the green polka dots!!! Anyway, I wanted to talk a bit about a little "potential" addition to my little family but I'll save that for tomorrow. .. and no, it's not a baby...but take a guess...:) Later Gaters!

Time...

So today I take my son to school and on the way out, I pass by the parent's cubby to pick up some "Parent mail." In the mailbox, I find a letter that happily informs me that my son Bobby is ready to move onto Preschool 2. It states:

"...He's growing up very quickly and it is time for him to transition to a new classroom. Bobby will visit the Preschool 2 class for a few hours every day so that he can get comfortable with the new environment. As of now, we are planning fro him to officially "move on Wednesday, Jan.3, 2007."

I was so sad and worried at the same time. Sad because he's growing up so fast...there's no slowing down time. I know I've been real good with spending a lot of time with him but lately I feel the world is rushing me and I'm making him rush with things (like getting ready to go out etc.) and I have to remind myself to slow down. I feel like it's going by too fast. In about 3 months I will be a mom to a 4 year old! My little Bobby, who still plays with my hand to fall asleep as he did when he was a baby, will be turning 4! Secondly, I'm worried because this is his first experience in a school. I feel like he just started to get comfortable with having a teacher figure and now, he's gonna have to get used to another teacher all together. He just started referring to his teacher by name about a month ago. Now to explain to him that he will no longer have her as a teacher? I don't want him to get all out of sorts with this new change. Lately he's been a little on the defiant side of things and I was guessing it was because of his age and because he's finally realizing he's away from me for a period of time throughout the day so I don't want this to cause him to have a bad time with school. He just started to get comfortable with his friends, telling me their names...Uh...stressing big time here. I haven't had the chance to tell my hubby but I'm guessing he's gonna tell me not to worry. I guess it is a good thing though...I mean, I could've received a letter stating that he was not ready because he's not maturing so...I just hope they explain it to him. That it's a good thing. I hope they didn't pull him out of the class today. Tomorrow's fine because at least I'll have the chance to explain to him the "good news" so that he won't feel like he's done something wrong to be moved to another class. I hope he has some familiar faces from his class going too. OK...so you heard me freak out...I'll be fine. I'm just a little caught off guard that's all.

Oh...and on the subject of time going too quick...Just the other day I was telling my husband that after seeing a special on young, successful entrepeneurs in their 20's I felt like I missed the boat. I felt like I could never be the 20 yo prodigy with a cool business of my own or someone that traveled the world like I once had when I was living at home with my parents anymore because that time passed. As I watched the special I realized, really realized that time is slipping by no matter what. I've always pushed things off like "Oh, one day I'll have a cool boutique" but after I watched the special I realized, one day is today.

It finally dawned on me that life really isn't a dress rehearsal. We can't sit and wait for the perfect moment for anything. We have to do it now or else life will just pass by without being spent well. I can't turn back time because now I know better. I can't go back to 20 and start over because I'm better informed and now because of all that procrastinating and gathering info, a whole decade passed already. I'm freaking already 30! for goodness sakes and if I don't get up and strap my boots and throw on my backpack, in matter of speaking, I will soon be 40 thinking, "My whole time as a 30-something yo old woman passed and I can't say I did anything spectacular with it." Don't get me wrong, during my 20's I did graduate with a BA in English, I was a teacher, I got married to my college sweetheart, and I had a beautiful son. That is a spectacular feat within itself (how many of those successful 20 yo's can say that right?) but I think my thing is that I want to travel more and have new experiences. I want to create things that will make an impact to alot of people. I can't waste time second-guessing myself or planning things to death because I'm not guaranteed even another day...none of us are.

Around this time last year I came to a point in my life where I dropped some major baggage down and walked away. I was happy to leave it behind. I made amends with myself and with whom I had to do it with. I'm hoping that this new year I realize that life is not a dress rehearsal. That I will not have a chance to go back and do what I want. That once time passes all I'm guaranteed is the present moment. Not yesterday or tomorrow...so I will make everyday count....my days won't be a constant run-on sentence that eventually acccumulates to just days on the calendar. They will count so that at the end of a decade in my life, I will be able to say, "All the experiences I had with friends, family, and myself have brought me to this..." and have something grand to show for it...

eta: Picked up my son and he did go to the new class for the day and...HE WAS SO EXCITED! The minute he saw me he told me about the new centers in the new class, the teacher he calls Miss Linda (Ms. Melinda) LOL and how he was on the computer and a few details of the game on the comp that he played. He talked about it the whole way home so I'm guessing he's pretty fine with it all. Oh, and I talked to my husband about it when he called from work (before I picked up Bobby from school) and he said that it should be great news and that Bobby will be fine as long as I "seem " fine about the whole change. I guess I was stressing it too much huh? LOL:) Anywho..Bobby said he did like the new class so I'm okay now...LOL...